Now 41 years old

Today its evident to me that there are only two days in a full year when I don't feel myself filled with guilt, shame or internal pressure. I say to myself, Its my birthday and I have a totally free ticket/free pass to do whatever I want without an ounce of guilt or shame or any negative feelings.

Today. And Xmas.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up and have an internal pressure valve pressing on me, worrying me, pressuring me, guilting me into taking care of all the unfinished business in my world: dishes, laundry, cleaning, music, clothes.

Maybe, I thought, My gift to myself today was going to be to finish my room. But I wake up, and I feel so free inside - so unleashed - that I realize I don't have to do anything today and I'm still okay. I'm still allowed. I'm still acceptable. Still valid and loveable.

Tomorrow. I will feel differently.

2 days a year.

I'm not exaggerating.

This is something I should address? Is this a problem?

If I take care of all my business tomorrow, then the guilt will be gone. My motor will be revved and I'll feel entirely permitted to feel okay.

Like I do today. I'm permitted to feel entirely okay.

But this is the only day. And Xmas.

I'm not exaggerating. This is not hyperbole.

Last night I scared myself just slightly. I couldn't get my mind around Ray's temper. I'm not used to any temper and it doesn't make sense to me. I figure I'm feeling it more seriously than it ever is intended.

And eventually I had a long talk with Zach about it that helped a lot.

But before that, I hit a realization. I had this internal openness that my life is close to ending. I became closer to an awareness that I could make that a possibility.

But I also know. Reality is different.

I had this dream last night of my last day. Doing a show. It was my birthday and I was abandoned. People were busy and preoccupied and busy and filled with their agendas and life. And I was just causing problems. I was messing everything up. There was this festival that some people were having. Some lady had set up an elaborate table in honor of the festival. Meanwhile My mom was being mentally ill and she had some fireworks going off nearby. She also had this syringe filled with dark silvery matter. It was her money. The syringe was marked with dollar signs and she asked if I wanted $ for my birthday. Then she tried to inject me, with the needle, with $50's worth of pure silver. I resisted and started running away from her. I knocked down the fireworks and it rolled down and set the whole table on fire, destroying the lady's set up.

So i had to escape.

I had a phone on me but I couldn't punch in the right #'s to contact my doctor. Or stacy. I kept messing up and trying to redo and not able to make it work.

So now I had to avoid the festival people b/c they were infuriated with me for destroying the table. I head off to a large theater where a play is being rehearsed. I'm suppose to be in it. I don't have my lines at all. I'm messing it all up. Then the big, lead performers are taking the stage to rehearse. Everyone is suppose to be quiet. I turn the corner around a door opening and there's a large fan there keeping the stage cool. And I accidentally knock it over, causing this huge loud bang and making everyone stop and turn to look at me. Everyone mad.

I was thinking, in my dream, that my life is over and thankfully so b/c I won't keep being in everyone's way. Causing everyone problems.

I awake at 12 noon. I've got just 4 hours until I have to leave for work. Right now I have just 25 minutes. And I have until I wake up tomorrow before I feel that guilt and shame and bad stuff again. I wish I had a lot more hours left today.

Just a thing.

41 is nearly here

Let's be honest with ourselves. My self. There's been a gloomy cloud over me since the new year. I don't necessarily feel its one thing, but I can sit here and list things it could be...

-Between Xmas & New Years, Mark died
-I've gotten myself up to a 155 weight I can't get out of
-My poor financial control continues to keep our savings at a measly level
-Last month Ray got furious with me after learning about some severe spending I did (I don't know what, mostly taxi cabs)
-I'm trying to live on a budget now of $55 a week and barely making it, but still cheating (just not as much)
-My self esteem is at a low point
-Ray hasn't desired me, sexually, in a long time. Or else, he has and I've just not been home/around when it happens.
-Ray is in a tough build now and its preoccupying his time and energy
-I flooded Nyssa & Joey's apartment!!!!!!!
-I can't stay motivated through out the course of a single afternoon
-I don't know what I'm working towards anymore

I used to have a strong internal drive. And with that I had lots of set ideals and scenarios that I essentially "knew" would be coming to me as I moved forward in my pursuits.

I have no pursuits now.

People keep having babies.

I have, in theory, the working goal of utilizing the very awesome treadmill that Ray got me for xmas, in order to accomplish my goal of returning to 130 lbs or less, and to fit into a summer dress and swimsuit.

My motivation for that goal waxes and wanes, daily.

I have, in theory, the thoughtful goal of going more vegetarian/vegan in my diet.
Hell, I have the theoretical goal of eating a more balanced diet every day.

That too waxes and wanes, on an hourly basis, depending on so many factors.

I left the Process group, in theory, to fulfill the goal of staying home with Ray more nights in the week.

And tonight I printed out a made-up $10,000 savings goal sheet to remind me of the goal of trying to own land towards building a log home.


What the fuck is my real drive? I love working with my students. They energize me. Work energizes me. I love the thrill of doing shows, teaching workshops, and creating material with cool people.

But is that a goal? Nope.


I don't feel an internal motor running inside of me. I feel like a stale container. I can't hold on to any one goal with enough interest anymore to see the follow through. I get the starts going. I lose enthusiasm and I lose interest and I eventually just putter back into the off position.

Do I need to seek further medication?

I don't have the money to afford any more appointments or doctors.

Where am I going to find my motor again? Everything is just false jump starts. I never get up to speed and going towards anything. I stop. I stutter and I stop. Then I try to jump start again. I move about 4 inches. I stutter and I stop. I plug along with my job just fine ... no complaints there. But who am I outside of work? I'm empty right now and I'm hallow outside of work. I'm a shell.

I'm turning 41 and I'm at a complete loss. I can't get my motor going for long in any one direction.

Is this because I haven't found the right direction/motivation/goal yet?
Is there some answer out there that, once I come across it I'll be back to moving ahead with energy and enthusiasm and the ability to complete it?
Should I just sit here and wait for this to happen?
Is every attempt to find this energy going to keep failing and faltering?
Do I need to redefine my person?
Since my self esteem is sooo in the shitter right now, is that where to start?
Is Ray a factor? Do I need more of his help? Less?
Knowing me, this is probably more just internal and for me only.

What's fucking next?!
I'm starting to get mad. But not very strongly mad, that feeling won't last long.
I'm in a state of numbness and stale waters.

What's my fucking purpose?
It seems my purpose is to teach and keep teaching and keep effecting those people around me in positive, encouraging ways.

Great.

So what do I do the other 20 hours in the day?

Where is the unsettlement? Is this dissatisfaction? Am I mad about something and not bringing it to light with myself? Am I restless? Yes, I'm restless for motivation, but not restless to get out of where I am. I like much of where I am. Don't I?

I have a fucking awesome apartment. I have the hours in my day available to me to fit in doing a workout, taking care of this nice place, and have some leisure time before going to work. And instead I squander that time day-in-day-out.

Am I in a new place of depression? Is this simply my fucking state of depression that's in my way? Its not active depression, where I used to think random tough thoughts. It's passive depression where I experience no real internal excitement or joy or anything for anything.

I feel I should probably talk to Dr. Reichlin. But that's money I ain't got.
And I always feel so damn awkward.

But I need to, to see.

Problem is, I don't really respect him that much. Or at all. I think he's of medium intelligence and not nearly as skilled in the psychological/therapy area.

But he's not in it for therapy, he's in it to prescribe medications. So that's what I should use him for, only. Or so I think.

3 Weeks Married!

3 weeks married and we've already started the long process of getting our dream of a log cabin home that we can retire in, off the ground.

That's 25 years from now.

It feels so strangely odd and ghostly and unreal to talk about something and begin planning for something that wouldn't fully pay-off until I'm 65 years old.

It's very odd.

But here's the deal: I just spent the last 12 months converting our talks of a dream wedding into a reality, and the strongest impression that the entire honeymoon week left me with was this unwavering confidence that I *made* this happen and I deserve every good feeling that comes with it.

You ever been to some fancy restaurant and feel like an imposter 'cause you don't really live that fancy life? Well I've felt that way about nice, normal things like vacations and jewelry and Weddings! But this wonderful wedding was every bit deserved because we worked HARD for it nearly every week, for 12 straight months.


This has sparked a strong conviction in me...if I really put in the time and energy, a "dream" can definitely turn into "reality".

In this case, the Dream is a beautiful log-cabin nestled in several acres of tall pines and perhaps even off a lake or stream up in the Northwoods.

This is not impossible. And it doesn't require putting ourselves into unmanageable debt for the rest of our lives. Key word being "required". I've already had a next door neighbor (who's a real estate broker) inquire about whether we're looking for a home and wanting to show us a 2 br/2bath 2nd floor condo for sale for just $279,000.

First off - we don't have the $ for a down payment.
Secondly - if we did work hard and scramble for that down payment, we'd very likely have a mortgage of $1400 month PLUS condo assessments, all utilities, etc.,..
Thirdly - ArE YoU CrAzY?!?!? For $279,000 we could buy a MANSION right off Eagle Lake in Wisconsin!!! Hell, if you're gonna put yourself that much into financial strain, it might as well be in a place you totally love, and not just another 2nd floor place in a 3 story brownstone in the same gang-infested neighborhood as your current cheap 2nd floor apartment.


We're living in a 1 bedroom, with parking, for under 700 bucks. And its by this extremely cheap rent that we have been able to practice the discipline of building a savings...which is what made our dream wedding even possible.

But yes, there's upsides to owning a condo as well. Mostly being ownership. But that's in the "now". What about tomorrow?

Truth is, we both love our jobs and feel tremendously lucky to do what we love at work (even if we do bitch about it still). But we want to always have a place to escape to and get away from this concrete jungle. A place to recharge. And then, after putting in another 25 years of work, a permanent place to nestle ourselves.

Again, that's such a difficult time and place to imagine..retirement. Neither of my parents made any retirement planning, but they're doing okay and living alright, and are mostly happy with it.

And life has its way of making unexpected twists and turns. How can you plan so far ahead when there's so many unknowns between now-and-then?

Well, what's the other option? To plan just a year ahead? Just two years ahead?
Plus, for something like a log cabin, it involves several dozen, even hundreds, of mini-steps to get completed.

So we're gonna live through these mini-steps. That's our short-sightedness.

And in these three weeks, we've taken several mini-steps already:

* We've hooked up with a local Northwoods Wisconsin land/real estate broker and have a free online account & access to the properties on his docket. Jeremy McCone (McCone74@yahoo.com) And this fella seems to have the experience of land-ownership and home building that we're interested in. He's a good lead so far, and a good source of our initial questions and searches.


* I acquired a thorough copy of my credit report (all 3) and already sited a big error and negative report that is keeping my score "fair". I've called the creditors and straightened it out with them, which will take 60 days to clear on my reports. But it was so incredibly valuable to get all this information - and to have a plan already about getting our credit score # going up and up.

* We've talked extensively about our financial plan for paying-down-debt and acquiring a strong savings in the next 2, 3 years. For land buying there is no FHA eligibility, so you *have* to have the full deposit. And since you're buying land that doesn't yet have a piece of collateral sitting on it (i.e., a house) there is bigger risk on the part of the bank for giving out the loan, hence a 20% to 25% down payment is fairly standard.

* We've consolidated what little credit card debt we have and paid off the ones with the biggest interest rates. What debt was left on our cards was transferred over to our 0% APR card, with plans for paying it down in a year and/or transferring it to another 0% APR card if/when they start charging interest.

* I've begun a Land Buying Project 3-ring binder and began keeping records in there (credit report, our payment plans, a Realtor business card). With this, also, is a key, wonderful book for this whole process entitled "The Owner-Builder Book"


AND... I've started this blog.

Since this is such a daunting task, and sorta hard to get my head around, I think this blog will help tremendously. I'll probably post once-a-day, though Ray thinks once-a-week would suffice. But its here for whenever I need it, to write and process about this whole crazy thing and all the life that's going to happen between Now-And-Then!

Love!
Stephanie Vlcek

Easter with the Little Ones

I was lucky enough to have several days off the week before Easter to go down in La Fayette. Here is Zoe & Bryce with the very elderly cat Ernie. Blessings to Ernie and his sweet life these past two years in La Fayette.

What does a visit from Teppie mean? Lots of picking up, throwing around, dropping and tickling. Later followed by sore muscles and a back ache. But its worth it.

The first of Project CupCake Practice. The kids were sooooo helpful with the baking of the cupcakes, which Bryce picked out from the grocery store.

Who loves cake mix? Pretty much everybody. It must run in the family.

Learning the art of partially-filling the cupcake holders. Zoe wanted to fill them all to the top.

Now for the Icing making. They picked their own favorite colors.

Stacy had the awesome idea of bringing her friend Cresta over to teach basic Icing techniques to me. I was affirmed to learn that I had started down the right path with my collection of Wilton supplies, and Cresta then gave so many additional Handy Tips & recommendations to my many questions. After this night of Icing practice we headed straight to Hoby Lobby to pick up the rest of my needed supplies and pertinent decorating books as recommended by Cresta.
Saves me so much time and money!

Zoe & Nanny

PICTURE TIME WITH TEPPIE!!! Which means making lots of silly faces!

And just like Otto, all the playing around and dancing and being a general goof ball eventually wears the lil pups OUT!

When I got back from Indiana, I had the awesome task of baking cupcakes for the Vlcek Easter Sunday gathering. It took sooooo much more time that I had expected. I did get the icing texture correct - even maybe alittle too tough.

Ray took this sweet picture. I suppose that without thinking about it, this is the smile that he brings to my face.

My hands got so cramped and
sore for days afterwards.
The Icing was so thick, it took
lots of muscle to work it.

Eli drinking soda from a wine glass. He had lots of opinions to share on Sunday about global warming, the bailout and the government! Lol.

My easter cupcakes with Pam's double chocolaty-chocolate lamb cake.

Emily's 3rd eye!

Playing a fun game of 500 Rummy. It came down between Ray & Becky.

The two little pooch's running around Pam's house. Ray and I left Otto at home to relax...he'd had two days and several hours of dog park fun lately and we decided he needed some time off from all the socializing.

Ray helping Emily unravel her Easter Egg towel. We also had fun playing outside with her giant bubble wand and some bouncy paddles/balls.

A really good Easter time was had by all! Thank you Pam for hosting & Thank you Stacy for letting me stay over for the week. Such a great Easter week.

Come ooooonnnn Spring!

Otto and his girlfriend. Seriously, these two are crazy for each other. Lola belongs to our neighbor Heidi who lives on the first floor and we've gotten to become good friends with her. And now, whenever one of them are outside getting a walk, the other one some how knows it and starts insisting on going outside too.

So this past weekend was nice enough for Ray and I to hang out on the balcony and surely enough Lola pulled Heidi up the stairs to come see Otto. Then Otto brought Lola into our apartment to show her his pad...like this the couch where he likes to lie around.

What's really nice about these two is that Lola doesn't mind playing the submissive and Otto likes just standing over her even if she's ignoring him because she's chewing on something.

Another great shot of these two and their smiles.
Boyfriend & Girlfriend in the dog world...how cute!

Here's Otto showing Heidi how he greets Ray and me whenever we come home - with a big doggie hug!

Just hangin' with the adults out on the balcony.





















In mid-March we had Ray's friend Fred from Maine come visit with us.

It's always a fun reminder having a friend from out-of-town visit Chicago because it gives you a chance to be a tourist again yourself and see in the city with fresh eyes.

With Fred we went to a fun Jazz Club one night, caught an improv show and Ray and Him checked out the Natural History museum as well.

Otto hanging out with Linda on the stair steps while Ray does the first Grilled dinner of 2009!

Otto liked Fred quite a bit and gets to be with the boys.
And for future guests, just know that while staying with us you are required to sample several of Ray's home beer selections (he's up to Brew #9 now). Fred enjoyed the lighter beer versus the darker ale and every time Ray gets to share his beer it gives him new ideas for future recipes.

Otto playing with his mommy :-)

Our Home Brew collection is growing and busting out of the closet.

Ray's Beer Label is "O.E.B." which stands for Olde Englishe Bulldogge, and on each of his labels Ray puts a picture or profile of Otto. Here is Otto over-seeing the making of his Ginger-Honey Wheat ale. But Ray has to remind him that he can't sample his beers until he turns 3!

One last go-around in my 30's!

This is it world! I wanted to capture a picture of myself today, my 39th birthday, and the first of my last year being in my 30's.

So this is what 39 looks like on me. I really want to enter my 40's in the best shape ever - in best physical health, mental health, nutritional and all.

Today I went on a gig and played piano for a Dave & Co show. I rode with my friend & the stage manager Jen Taylor to Schaumburg for the show and on the way I was talking to her about my wedding plans when it suddenly hit me (privately) that she might be expecting an invitation to the wedding and I hadn't even thought of her at all. So that was my first hit of the kind of wedding-planning-stress that no one looks forward to. Just a small thing, but still something that you don't ever want to inadvertently hurt someone's feelings.

So yes, the wedding plans have started and the biggest thrill of all for me is how much Ray is supporting me and being enthusiastic over the little discoveries I'm making. I'm finding myself strongly driven to design a lot of it my own and I expect that I'll be able to slowly garner all of the pieces over the course of the next year and at half-the-cost it would be with a wedding planner.

In fact, I've already picked out my favorite designer wedding dress and amazingly was able to "win" that very dress on ebay for a fraction of its designer-cost. Well, I won't be entirely certain until it shows up that I got what I'm expecting to get. Still, it's really thrilling to even think about wearing such a beautiful, elegant dress on that uniquely special day.

I would love to succeed with a few accomplishments this year - like a flatter stomach, a stronger body, and the ability to run more than 3 miles at a faster, lighter pace. I wonder what change it might make in me if I went my entire year at 39 without eating any processed sugars and desserts. Could I do it, I wonder. Well, the answer is yes I could but it would take some moments of very strong will-power to resist all external temptations and the inner demons as well. I definitely have a long history of aching for a full stomach and eating sweet desserts/candy to offset difficult feelings. But I also have a history of taking myself into brand new territories and embracing a healthy lifestyle fulltime.

It's no special insight to comment on how much work it takes to make healthier choices. Last week I got back up to running 3 miles a day for 4 days...then it snowed, Otto got very sick, and my mood just got down again and I neglected to run at all this week. Every day, every week is a day to try again and that's what I say to myself when I fret over my inconsistancies. Life was simpler when I was alone and single and I had tons more freetime and energy to be so focused on my health. Then comes all the transition of this year and while I've tried make all the adjustments, I've also let my previous health priorities slip quite a bit. So it's hard.

I think loving and being in love is a very vulnerable place to be. I know its suppose to be the easiest and best to be with someone who loves you for just being yourself. And that's true too. But additionally, there's a great sense of accountability when you committ yourself fulltime to another person. What affects you also affects the other person. And its just plain vulnerable.

But maybe I'll find it less vulnerable in my 40's. Maybe its just a sense of my uncertainties about life and remenants of younger insecurities that'll finally shed-off this year and lessen those vulnerabilities & insecurities I still struggle with.

One year left.

39.

I put the last of my birthday cupcakes in the freezer tonight.

There's the wedding tradition of saving the top of the wedding cake for the one-year anniversary.

So I want to keep those cupcakes for one year and not have another sweet sugary thing until next February 27, 2010.

They'll be so tasty!

Wish me luck.






r

Christmas Snow in February...still!

It's the first Friday in February and also the first time since before Christmas that the temperature gets above freezing! Heck, it's suppose to get near the 50's tomorrow. If so, then all this snow/ice/slush/dirty-muck might finally start to melt away and clear.

But I wanted to make an account of this past Winter '08-'09 with these pictures remembering what it has been like to have a brand new puppy in the house and have to take him out at 6am every morning thru to 11pm at night while we've been under this constantly-near Zero degree cold. So much cold that the ice, snow, ice and then snow again from December is still around.

Crazy!

We haven't been able to
walk through our gangway
to get to the front of the
house since early Decemeber.

The pipes freeze and drip
down long ice-sickles that
form a solid sheet about
3-4 inches thick.

Even Otto doesn't want to
try slipping through this.









But on the good side, Otto and his girlfriend Lola (our neighbors dog) have an awesome time chasing each other around in this back drive-way. And its still so icy that we don't have to worry about drivers speeding down it. Not yet, at least.















Just one last picture of all the piles of snow still mounded up in the yards. Those who never bothered to salt their sidewalks are now leaving all of us to have to slip-slide down the street.


Then again, if it hits the warm temps that it's suppose to in the next 48 hours, things will finally start to clear.









Christmas morning '08 with Otto helping tear up the wrapping paper.


You have to admit, it's really adorable. Here is Otto tearing at the Big-Kahuna gift that I got for Ray --- his beer making kit!


And Ray surprised me tremendously by giving me everything that I had on my list... from V.S. pajamas to a luxury robe and a sports-line heart monitor watch for exercise.


I think in this picture I'm opening up a very bright travel light for attaching to Otto's leash for those very dark early morning constitutionals. Hilarious gift there Ray.



Here are my boys now crashed on the couch after an exciting morning of gifts, morning breakfast and an afternoon of Its A Wonderful Life!


We spent New Years Eve at the home of Jim & Roseanne, (Ray's friends from elementary school) and their two children. One adopted (William in pic) and the other one is Benjamin, who loved having Otto around in their house that he followed the dog everywhere he went.



































New Years Eve antics. This is Jim. Jim and Ray have known each other since 2nd grade and only recently got back in contact with eachother in the past year. Typical of best friends, though it had been perhaps 6 years or more, they picked up exactly where they left off. Jim & Roseanne are super special friends for us.

Kids & Dogs!

Ray's first evening cooking up his beer brew. He's got a system down now of having working on two-or-so brews at the same time, each at a different part of the 10-14 day process.













And here's where Otto hangs out when we're working in the kitchen. And sometimes, when he's being too spastic we leash him to this spot for him to calm down. I think he actually likes the down -time sometimes.











After the new year, the fate of Otto's family jewels were in jeopardy. The first day, it really sucked for him. But after that, I think he forgot he had anything in the first place.

Ray is wearing this T-shirt on purpose. It was inauguration day for Obama and here he is enjoying his home-made beer brew and watching t.v. with our cone head dog.