Let's be honest with ourselves. My self. There's been a gloomy cloud over me since the new year. I don't necessarily feel its one thing, but I can sit here and list things it could be...
-Between Xmas & New Years, Mark died
-I've gotten myself up to a 155 weight I can't get out of
-My poor financial control continues to keep our savings at a measly level
-Last month Ray got furious with me after learning about some severe spending I did (I don't know what, mostly taxi cabs)
-I'm trying to live on a budget now of $55 a week and barely making it, but still cheating (just not as much)
-My self esteem is at a low point
-Ray hasn't desired me, sexually, in a long time. Or else, he has and I've just not been home/around when it happens.
-Ray is in a tough build now and its preoccupying his time and energy
-I flooded Nyssa & Joey's apartment!!!!!!!
-I can't stay motivated through out the course of a single afternoon
-I don't know what I'm working towards anymore
I used to have a strong internal drive. And with that I had lots of set ideals and scenarios that I essentially "knew" would be coming to me as I moved forward in my pursuits.
I have no pursuits now.
People keep having babies.
I have, in theory, the working goal of utilizing the very awesome treadmill that Ray got me for xmas, in order to accomplish my goal of returning to 130 lbs or less, and to fit into a summer dress and swimsuit.
My motivation for that goal waxes and wanes, daily.
I have, in theory, the thoughtful goal of going more vegetarian/vegan in my diet.
Hell, I have the theoretical goal of eating a more balanced diet every day.
That too waxes and wanes, on an hourly basis, depending on so many factors.
I left the Process group, in theory, to fulfill the goal of staying home with Ray more nights in the week.
And tonight I printed out a made-up $10,000 savings goal sheet to remind me of the goal of trying to own land towards building a log home.
What the fuck is my real drive? I love working with my students. They energize me. Work energizes me. I love the thrill of doing shows, teaching workshops, and creating material with cool people.
But is that a goal? Nope.
I don't feel an internal motor running inside of me. I feel like a stale container. I can't hold on to any one goal with enough interest anymore to see the follow through. I get the starts going. I lose enthusiasm and I lose interest and I eventually just putter back into the off position.
Do I need to seek further medication?
I don't have the money to afford any more appointments or doctors.
Where am I going to find my motor again? Everything is just false jump starts. I never get up to speed and going towards anything. I stop. I stutter and I stop. Then I try to jump start again. I move about 4 inches. I stutter and I stop. I plug along with my job just fine ... no complaints there. But who am I outside of work? I'm empty right now and I'm hallow outside of work. I'm a shell.
I'm turning 41 and I'm at a complete loss. I can't get my motor going for long in any one direction.
Is this because I haven't found the right direction/motivation/goal yet?
Is there some answer out there that, once I come across it I'll be back to moving ahead with energy and enthusiasm and the ability to complete it?
Should I just sit here and wait for this to happen?
Is every attempt to find this energy going to keep failing and faltering?
Do I need to redefine my person?
Since my self esteem is sooo in the shitter right now, is that where to start?
Is Ray a factor? Do I need more of his help? Less?
Knowing me, this is probably more just internal and for me only.
What's fucking next?!
I'm starting to get mad. But not very strongly mad, that feeling won't last long.
I'm in a state of numbness and stale waters.
What's my fucking purpose?
It seems my purpose is to teach and keep teaching and keep effecting those people around me in positive, encouraging ways.
Great.
So what do I do the other 20 hours in the day?
Where is the unsettlement? Is this dissatisfaction? Am I mad about something and not bringing it to light with myself? Am I restless? Yes, I'm restless for motivation, but not restless to get out of where I am. I like much of where I am. Don't I?
I have a fucking awesome apartment. I have the hours in my day available to me to fit in doing a workout, taking care of this nice place, and have some leisure time before going to work. And instead I squander that time day-in-day-out.
Am I in a new place of depression? Is this simply my fucking state of depression that's in my way? Its not active depression, where I used to think random tough thoughts. It's passive depression where I experience no real internal excitement or joy or anything for anything.
I feel I should probably talk to Dr. Reichlin. But that's money I ain't got.
And I always feel so damn awkward.
But I need to, to see.
Problem is, I don't really respect him that much. Or at all. I think he's of medium intelligence and not nearly as skilled in the psychological/therapy area.
But he's not in it for therapy, he's in it to prescribe medications. So that's what I should use him for, only. Or so I think.
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