Now 41 years old

Today its evident to me that there are only two days in a full year when I don't feel myself filled with guilt, shame or internal pressure. I say to myself, Its my birthday and I have a totally free ticket/free pass to do whatever I want without an ounce of guilt or shame or any negative feelings.

Today. And Xmas.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up and have an internal pressure valve pressing on me, worrying me, pressuring me, guilting me into taking care of all the unfinished business in my world: dishes, laundry, cleaning, music, clothes.

Maybe, I thought, My gift to myself today was going to be to finish my room. But I wake up, and I feel so free inside - so unleashed - that I realize I don't have to do anything today and I'm still okay. I'm still allowed. I'm still acceptable. Still valid and loveable.

Tomorrow. I will feel differently.

2 days a year.

I'm not exaggerating.

This is something I should address? Is this a problem?

If I take care of all my business tomorrow, then the guilt will be gone. My motor will be revved and I'll feel entirely permitted to feel okay.

Like I do today. I'm permitted to feel entirely okay.

But this is the only day. And Xmas.

I'm not exaggerating. This is not hyperbole.

Last night I scared myself just slightly. I couldn't get my mind around Ray's temper. I'm not used to any temper and it doesn't make sense to me. I figure I'm feeling it more seriously than it ever is intended.

And eventually I had a long talk with Zach about it that helped a lot.

But before that, I hit a realization. I had this internal openness that my life is close to ending. I became closer to an awareness that I could make that a possibility.

But I also know. Reality is different.

I had this dream last night of my last day. Doing a show. It was my birthday and I was abandoned. People were busy and preoccupied and busy and filled with their agendas and life. And I was just causing problems. I was messing everything up. There was this festival that some people were having. Some lady had set up an elaborate table in honor of the festival. Meanwhile My mom was being mentally ill and she had some fireworks going off nearby. She also had this syringe filled with dark silvery matter. It was her money. The syringe was marked with dollar signs and she asked if I wanted $ for my birthday. Then she tried to inject me, with the needle, with $50's worth of pure silver. I resisted and started running away from her. I knocked down the fireworks and it rolled down and set the whole table on fire, destroying the lady's set up.

So i had to escape.

I had a phone on me but I couldn't punch in the right #'s to contact my doctor. Or stacy. I kept messing up and trying to redo and not able to make it work.

So now I had to avoid the festival people b/c they were infuriated with me for destroying the table. I head off to a large theater where a play is being rehearsed. I'm suppose to be in it. I don't have my lines at all. I'm messing it all up. Then the big, lead performers are taking the stage to rehearse. Everyone is suppose to be quiet. I turn the corner around a door opening and there's a large fan there keeping the stage cool. And I accidentally knock it over, causing this huge loud bang and making everyone stop and turn to look at me. Everyone mad.

I was thinking, in my dream, that my life is over and thankfully so b/c I won't keep being in everyone's way. Causing everyone problems.

I awake at 12 noon. I've got just 4 hours until I have to leave for work. Right now I have just 25 minutes. And I have until I wake up tomorrow before I feel that guilt and shame and bad stuff again. I wish I had a lot more hours left today.

Just a thing.