One last go-around in my 30's!

This is it world! I wanted to capture a picture of myself today, my 39th birthday, and the first of my last year being in my 30's.

So this is what 39 looks like on me. I really want to enter my 40's in the best shape ever - in best physical health, mental health, nutritional and all.

Today I went on a gig and played piano for a Dave & Co show. I rode with my friend & the stage manager Jen Taylor to Schaumburg for the show and on the way I was talking to her about my wedding plans when it suddenly hit me (privately) that she might be expecting an invitation to the wedding and I hadn't even thought of her at all. So that was my first hit of the kind of wedding-planning-stress that no one looks forward to. Just a small thing, but still something that you don't ever want to inadvertently hurt someone's feelings.

So yes, the wedding plans have started and the biggest thrill of all for me is how much Ray is supporting me and being enthusiastic over the little discoveries I'm making. I'm finding myself strongly driven to design a lot of it my own and I expect that I'll be able to slowly garner all of the pieces over the course of the next year and at half-the-cost it would be with a wedding planner.

In fact, I've already picked out my favorite designer wedding dress and amazingly was able to "win" that very dress on ebay for a fraction of its designer-cost. Well, I won't be entirely certain until it shows up that I got what I'm expecting to get. Still, it's really thrilling to even think about wearing such a beautiful, elegant dress on that uniquely special day.

I would love to succeed with a few accomplishments this year - like a flatter stomach, a stronger body, and the ability to run more than 3 miles at a faster, lighter pace. I wonder what change it might make in me if I went my entire year at 39 without eating any processed sugars and desserts. Could I do it, I wonder. Well, the answer is yes I could but it would take some moments of very strong will-power to resist all external temptations and the inner demons as well. I definitely have a long history of aching for a full stomach and eating sweet desserts/candy to offset difficult feelings. But I also have a history of taking myself into brand new territories and embracing a healthy lifestyle fulltime.

It's no special insight to comment on how much work it takes to make healthier choices. Last week I got back up to running 3 miles a day for 4 days...then it snowed, Otto got very sick, and my mood just got down again and I neglected to run at all this week. Every day, every week is a day to try again and that's what I say to myself when I fret over my inconsistancies. Life was simpler when I was alone and single and I had tons more freetime and energy to be so focused on my health. Then comes all the transition of this year and while I've tried make all the adjustments, I've also let my previous health priorities slip quite a bit. So it's hard.

I think loving and being in love is a very vulnerable place to be. I know its suppose to be the easiest and best to be with someone who loves you for just being yourself. And that's true too. But additionally, there's a great sense of accountability when you committ yourself fulltime to another person. What affects you also affects the other person. And its just plain vulnerable.

But maybe I'll find it less vulnerable in my 40's. Maybe its just a sense of my uncertainties about life and remenants of younger insecurities that'll finally shed-off this year and lessen those vulnerabilities & insecurities I still struggle with.

One year left.

39.

I put the last of my birthday cupcakes in the freezer tonight.

There's the wedding tradition of saving the top of the wedding cake for the one-year anniversary.

So I want to keep those cupcakes for one year and not have another sweet sugary thing until next February 27, 2010.

They'll be so tasty!

Wish me luck.






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