First tree

What a *great* picture of Ray getting started on the lights of our tree. :-) This is the first xmas tree for both of us in a very long time. I honestly felt some pangs of nervousness along with the excitement of us getting this tree last night. There would be moments when I'd have a flash memory of past christmas's and past tree experiences back many years when I used to strain so hard to find happiness and be at peace, but could never find it. That's a tough thing to admit. And what results is some kind of association between even trying and losing. So I had stopped even trying to celebrate the holidays much at all.

Last night, when those flashes would come up, I'd intentionally stop what I was doing, close my eyes and just take a deep breath. Let go of things lost and difficult. Accept what is right in front of me so easy, natural, and intuitively so right. Now, just seeing the happiness and contentment that Ray shows in his smiling eyes is the greatest gift I could get this year. He is so much like me - straightforward simpleness is all he really lives for. And thankfully for me, he's got many more years practicing it than I do.

It was funny, even as we were taking turns picking out ornaments from Ray's box to put on the tree, I felt another old and silly memory that I used to experience as a kid - the anxiety of finding the *perfect* placement of each ornament on the *right* limb. Sometimes I'd walk around the tree a few times, thinking I just can't find the right spot but somehow Ray is finding all the right spots. Its totally silly. It just reminds me of how much as a kid I used to love spending hours and hours staring at our family tree, losing myself in every little sparkle of light, flicker of shadow across a shiny, glistening bulb.


When Ray and I drove back from Westfield last Thanksgiving, we stopped at Cabela's and one of the things we picked up was a brand new ornament meant to represent our first xmas together. We picked up this outdoors Santa traveling with presents in a canoe. I put our name and the year on it last night before hanging it on the tree.




Our other favorite thing is collecting Gnomes and when we went to pick up the tree stand, we came across this outdoor "Swinging Gnome". I think we should take him up to Westfield for the summer, but for now he's gonna be enjoying some swinging action in our living room, over looking our xmas tree.






This is me with Valdez. Believe it or not, she was purring like crazy when Ray took this picture. Our tree is now complete and somehow, with faith and practice, making room for these new chapters in my life keeps getting a little easier.

Back when I thought I knew more things than I actually do, I used to profess to the wonder of Time as one of life's greatest gifts for always bringing change and a new opportunity to bring out who you are. Saying it and living it are very different things sometimes. I am more blessed than I often realize. I love you Ray.